After 15.330 days on earth, there are things that are clear and a mirage of others in the unknown.
Tumultuous. It describes the world inside and out the best.
Today, I wanted to drown. From the moment before the last sleep, till my eyes reluctantly opened.
Heaviness.
I wished for many unspoken things. Nothing, though, anyone could ever bring. No riches, no power, no lust, just a sensation.
After all this time, and many a thing that were done and a droop of things that weren't.
In me, a thought came to life. Oh, I yearned for a drink, a potion, a mixture to forget.
But, last, I lost my mind to spirits when I was 19teen. And old memories, that brought with them a lesson, will never let my soul find rest, if I dare to ignore their plea. So I resign as another thought simmers to live.
Dread.
A single word, containing a living hell for those who dare be diving into its depths.
But dreadful is not only a state, it is a choice, and as I yearn for silence, I realize that it is not a way to walk for no living soul with dreams.
A spark in me ignites, a fire takes place deep within my belly, an old acquaintance beckons me to reconnect.
Wrath.
The wrath. A horseman, an end, a dwell deeper than even a galaxy could fill.
As my heart pounds in rage, I unsheathe my sword and aim it at the world.
So many suffer at the hands of others.
Conspiracies, more reality than a silent touch in a desert storms heart.
Inequality, hatred, lust for power, endless need for more and more, control...
It all needs to be cut down.
But then, a flicker appears, floating in the wind, that also carries change.
Who am I?
This question settles, but with a target, a meaning.
Who am I to unleash judgement upon a race, a species, the entirety of mankind?
Am I willing to go down that path, committing things and acts that are equal to those who are being done openly and within the shadows, by those who seek this way out of desperation?
No, I drop the sword, I extinguish the flame.
Regret.
As I feel the cold embrace that cracks the heart in two, I know. I know that I hoped for more. But here I am falling into a trap, one that is intertwined with never lived dreams.
Expectation.
As the ego sets a goal for others to achieve, the body oh so easily is willing to follow when disappointment sneaks in. While hope remains, a mistaken attitude that one is important, more so than others, brings ignorance at foot.
Life.
In all that, the reflection of the truth within the corner of an eye shimmering with an ocean of salt, tells a different story.
Life.
Within all the hurt, the fight, the needs and wants, the longing for recognition.
There is only one last straw, in a flood of darkness, that shines brightly throughout the never ending vastness of the absence of light.
Meaninglessness.
The, this, all life in its totality is meaningless.
It does not want, or need, or beckon. It does not seek nor conquer. Not only that, but it does not struggle or fight nor resist or cease.
Life. It just is. Pure, ever-changing. Like we see in water. Life just fits into whatever form, space, and place it gets. Not wanting for more or less, not questioning its state, not wondering what if... not begging for more.
Meaning.
I realize. In all the drama of the experience. With all the hurt and heart.
There is just one truth that defines meaning.
It's us. You, me, all that are.
While we are, while I am as you and you as I, we give meaning to life.
15330 days.
This is meaning. Filled with all the above and more. So much more, that no amount of ink or bits could ever fill all the paper in the universe to describe it.
Love.
But first.
Surrender.
It takes for us as long as it takes. Sometimes years, or months, sometimes lifetimes or millennia. But eventually we all surrender. Only as part of the everlasting light in the form of complete being without strings, embracing meaninglessness without the need for anything else, we understand what a human mind tries to grasp.
Light.
It is and always has been the spark that thought engaged. As long there is a thought, no matter how small, no matter how faint, there will be an echo within all of us and everything. Eternity is filled with just the smallest of thought, with everlasting light.
Blasting through the void and replacing an absence with intention.
Mind your thoughts, they invite the old, the ancient, the originals, the first and most formidable beings into your world. Light.
With it comes the burden of reality of ones own making. With it comes the energy to form new worlds, new experience.
Once you have seen, how your thoughts turn all those around you, who mindlessly engage in meaninglessness with intentless desire filled with a void of emotional thought, uncontrolled, undirected... into an entourage of willing actors on a play that heeds your every command, forming what you wish while you know that you not only direct, but write the play while it is unfolding, than you tasted the power of gods and understand: we all are one.
With this, I celebrate you, as there is no reason to celebrate anything else. And with it, in unison of all, I celebrate all, including myself.
So what is left, but to fall in love with life and all its meaninglessness within the endless dance of shadow and light.
For you,
For me,
For us
May you all direct, play, and bring meaning to the expanses of space and our home, a world not our own, but the only one we got.
Stefan:
Philosophies with me, life is here to be experienced, what is yours within the marvel of this, our world?